When Words Wander

Date: 12.09.2007

Keywords: Wander, When, Words,

Pages:
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I already felt lower, and more worthless than I had ever thought possible.

As I sat in the presence of church leaders that were genuinely concerned about my well being as well as Jerry's, I tearfully confessed all that I had done. When they considered everything, the person I was, the commitments I had made and then violated, and everything that was needed to help me get beyond the negative self punishment I had already imposed on myself; it was understandable that they would see the need to excommunicate me from the church.

Part of their objective in this formal separation was to help free me of the burden of starting a journey with dirty laundry and broken luggage. I would have to get beyond the negative influence of overwhelming guilt that I had already embraced. Ultimately I couldn't do that without forgiving my self and starting from 'ground zero'; I thought that would even be harder than getting Jerry to forgive me, but I was wrong.

I didn't expect things to get back to anything normal at home for some time. Jerry offered me the master bedroom, but I declined and said I would be fine in the guest room instead. We ate evening meals, and occasionally watched a sitcom together. I felt incredibly uncomfortable when a situation came up in an episode that was sexually suggestive. That's not uncommon in today's sitcoms, and the discomfort brought the intensity of guilt roaring back to the surface.

It was easier to just slip away and read by myself. The longer our relationship was strained, the more frustrating everything else in both our lives became as well. I'm afraid the incredible effort that was needed to rebuild communications was too hard for both of us, maybe that was because communications between us before all this happened wasn't really good anyway. Without constructive dialogue, neither of us got or gave the supportive encouragement that was needed to grow together. Eventually we seemed to slip into a dullness that masked the uncomfortable issues we couldn't resolve.

In spite of the repulsion I had felt for a long time to sexual feelings and needs, the incredible impressions that are inseparable with sexual activity were still imbedded deeply in both of us, and they were being smothered and pressurized because we closed down the outlet. I confess that this was probably more a problem with me than Jerry. Not only was I at my natural peak for sexual interest, according to age, my most recent impressions had been blown out of proportion through the supercharger of infidelity. Face it, illicit sex seems much more powerful and consuming than romantic chaste copulation.

The memories of intense forbidden lust were creeping into my head through the locks I had tried to set in place. Jerry's remote emotional self only added to frustration, guilt and unfulfilled need that had become a vicious self perpetuating circle. Somehow romance needed to come back into our life if we were to have any chance at all.

The only positive benefit to all the travel that had been part of our problem in the first place was the frequent flyer mileage and connections I had made in the different cities I traveled to. Disney World had become an attractive venue for couples to celebrate anniversaries and spend romantic time together. In one of the hotels I had stayed, I met people who appreciated the business our company provided, and they offered me a free suite for four nights if I wanted. With miles to cover tickets and the warmth of a friendly invitation for the suite, it seemed like it might be a good idea to get away from everything for a few days where we could spend some quality time face to face.

Jerry agreed and we made arrangements for the earliest opening. I was excited and even nervous, because I hoped intimacy might finally come back into the equation and change the direction of our drifting lives. Everything seemed to be going perfect until we arrived at the hotel. We both knew what was supposed to happen, and forced the issue of intimacy unnaturally. Feeling Jerry's cock in me again should have been the greatest thing in my life, but it was not. Jerry was distracted, edgy and uncomfortable, mostly he just wasn't there.

I dismissed it to nerves and was happy at least for the effort. I tried again to get us back to romance, and the bedroom, and the more I did, the worse it made things. When I dressed in my sexiest lingerie to get him excited, he stiffened up in the wrong ways.

The worst thing that went wrong was when I got bold. We had been playing around a little, petting on the bed when I made the mistake of trying to really turn him on. We were already naked, but his cock was still not fully responding. I was stroking his semi firm penis while we French kissed passionately. Then I started to nibble my way down his body, nipping at his skin and kissing it as I worked toward his cock. When I saw it jump a little, I thought I was on the right track and continued.

I teased his pubic growth with my hot breath and ran my tongue along the length of his shaft. I kissed the purple head allowing it partly into my mouth as I made love to his beautiful organ. I had never thought Brian's cock was superior or that Jerry's was not. Brian was simply interested, he showed his need and passion and he demonstrated his enthusiasm for sex and interest in my body. It was the attitude that had captured my lusty imagination. All I wanted to do now was show the same kind of interest and enthusiasm for Jerry's beautiful and very equal cock. When I took his member into my mouth, I wanted to possess it and him with me, my whole heart and all of my lusty emotion, and there was nothing on this earth I wanted any more.

As I loved him I felt him come alive in my mouth and as he did, I came more alive as well. My passion quickly soared and I was seriously overcome with the need to give everything I could to this man who was still the love of my life in spite of the walls of hurt that were marshaled between us. I wasn't an expert at oral sex, but I thought I felt in sync with his need and capable of bringing us both to orgasm. I was driven to anticipate every dream and expectation he could possess and thought his climax would coincide with my own.

All of a sudden the hands that had held the sides of my head gently as he urged me on grabbed my hair and pulled me off of his inflamed rod with such ferocity I thought he would tear out two large handfuls of hair in his hands. He literally threw me off of him and I crashed to the floor off the edge of the coffee table and ended up against the couch. I was stunned and hurt, more than that, I was confused. What in the hell was happening.

My back and hip would be bruised, and blood was on my fingertips as I rubbed the sore roots to soothe the pain. I struggled to my feet, feeling pain in several areas already and looked at Jerry as I begged for some explanation of what terrible mistake I had made. Jerry said nothing; he went into the bathroom and stayed there for fifteen minutes; I thought it best to get back into my clothes.

When he finally came back, he quickly dressed and quietly told me that we needed to go to dinner. I was afraid to ask what happened again, until later on, and when I did he apologized and simply said he didn't know what came over him. He promised me it would never happen again; I wasn't sure that response offered much help. It was obvious that something had happened in that intimacy that disturbed him allot. I remembered his reaction to my questions about oral sex early in our marriage and wondered if this incident was an indication that my promiscuity had brought us to a point of sexual incompatibility.

I was disturbed over a new feeling of inadequacy and hopelessness. I felt totally insecure about my ability to sexually inspire and excite Jerry. If sexual intimacy was no longer a possible key to our emotional closeness, I had serious doubts about our ability to understand and respond to one another in any way. I realized we might not be able to become an understanding and caring couple again, let alone build a relationship that would provide intimacy and sexual excitement. After having felt such intensity in sex while cheating on my husband I faced the terrible possibility that I would never experience sexual excitement again.

Throughout the remainder of that night and most of the next day the tension between us built to painful, almost unbearable levels. Just before dinner, Jerry admitted that it was a mistake to go to Orlando. Everywhere we had gone, everything I had done caused him to imagine me doing those things with Brian. This was the city we were in during the infamous recorded call. Jerry couldn't stop himself from seeing Brian's hand in everything that we were doing together. He became upset during my efforts in oral sex, because he couldn't get the image of me sucking on Brian's cock out of his head.

The more I tried to reason with him the more unreasonable he and everything else became. We were both hurt and angry and I was completely without a clue about how to deal with us. We both became even angrier early that evening, and I finally left to get away and clear my head so I could think. I went to the lobby and found it hard to keep from breaking into tears at any thought or feeling that took me back to the problems upstairs.

As I walked around not anxious to go back to the room I think I drew attention to myself. A nice looking man, maybe a little younger than me, approached and introduced himself. At first I thought he was just being nice and thoughtful, and I needed a friendly ear to listen, or an arm to lean on. He offered to buy me a drink and when I realized he was just hitting on me, the water works started up and he quickly apologized for his insincerity, and helped me find an inconspicuous seat. He was nicer than I realized after all and apologized again for being rude and assuming the worst in me.