When Words Wander

Date: 12.09.2007

Keywords: Wander, When, Words,

Pages:
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Her car was gone from the garage, and I breathed a sigh of relief that hid the regret and profound loneliness I felt. The phone rang and I answered without thinking. It was Lynette at the Fairfield Inn; as soon as she heard my voice she begged me to hear her out and give her a chance to explain Brian's reckless advance, as though this were the first time he had become aggressive like this. I didn't giver her a chance and hung up the phone, then I picked up the receiver again, listened for the dial tone, and disconnected the handset so I wouldn't be disturbed by the loud wailing tone of a phone off hook.

On Sunday, I went to church alone and then found a shopping mall with a theater and went to a matinee. I stayed in the movie theater until 10:30 that night and sat through I don't know how many movies that I didn't watch, just to be alone in the dark. On Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday I went to work as usual and refused to take any calls from Lynette. On Thursday I talked to her only long enough to let her know that we would talk eventually, when I felt ready, and that was all. I had changed the locks on all the doors and wouldn't open up for anyone at all.

I also put in a call to our joint credit cards and reported them all stolen and transferred funds from joint bank accounts to ones opened only in my name. Saturday morning at about 10:00 am, I was considering the yard work that needed to done even more when Lynette rang the front doorbell. I had already decided it was time to talk, and knew it was her. After making her wait for several minutes, so I knew she would be self conscious about being observed by neighbors I unlocked the door and went into the formal living room to wait.

Lynn opened the door cautiously and slipped almost like a thief into the entry. She came into the room silently and sat quietly in a chair opposite form me. I looked past her into the yard until she found her voice and spoke. "What's going to happen Jerry," Is all she asked.

"I'm not sure Lynette." I said. "It seems you're the only one who really knows all you've got going on, so it might be better to ask what you thought was going to happen."

"I don't know how to explain what you saw Brian doing." Lynn said. She seemed to still be trying to make me believe that this was all that had ever happened.

"Are you saying that this was the only time your work buddy got into your panties Lynette, or got you out of them?"

Her flesh became pale as she twisted her fingers anxiously and averted her eyes from mine. "Jerry, I don't know what you know or believe I've done, and I don't know how to explain the mistakes I've made. The only thing I can tell you is that I'm sorry, I didn't mean for anything to happen. I got trapped by my own carelessness, but the last thing I ever wanted to happen was to hurt you."

"Why don't you tell me what mistakes you made, and what has happened Lynn?" I said, actually trying to make sure I sounded calm, and honestly concerned.

"Jerry," she said, trying to collect words to express the things she held deep inside. "Over the past several months, I have reacted poorly to the depression and discouragement I felt over not getting pregnant. I became selfish and slipped back into some old habits I had in college before we started dating. I don't know how to tell you this...I used to act badly in school, letting boys see me...well I tried to let boys see me partly undressed or naked. I used to take my clothes off in front of my open dorm window and let guys look at me naked. Lately I've been undressing in front of windows when I traveled or even in my car so people could see me. Brian saw me one day when I was on my way home, and things have gotten out of control as a result."

"You're telling me that you're an exhibitionist Lynette. And that's all?"

"I'm sorry Jerry." She said. "When you say it so...well so clinically, it almost seems less threatening, but more sick, like it's a mental illness. Maybe it is to a degree, but that's not the point. I've made some terrible mistakes but I didn't mean to hurt you and I'll never do anything to hurt you again if you only forgive me and give me a chance to make it up to you."

"Are you saying that it never went any further than having Brian's fingers in your pussy Lynette?" I said looking deep into her eyes for her version of the 'whole truth' and wondering why she wouldn't realize how critical it was to be completely truthful.

"Oh Jerry, please, you must know how hard this is for me to admit this." Tears and been falling from her eyes and leaving wet track marks on her cheeks. "I would never do anything to betray the trust you have in me. I only want this terrible nightmare to end so I can come back home and we can put this all behind us."

I reached over and pushed the play button on the tape recorder. I had plugged audio jacks into the surround sound and the familiar sounds and voices from the hotel phone filled the room. I watched as all the color drained from her skin and she trembled at the sounds and words that shattered the illusions she had tried to paint. I stood and left the room as her shaking sobs built to full fledged crying.

Not long after, I heard the front door open and close, and she was gone. I felt anything but victorious, the only feeling that flooded over me was sorrow and pain for what was still being torn stubbornly from deep inside me. On Sunday, I was approached by one of the clergy of our church and asked to visit with representatives of the membership committee. The committee asked me point blank what was happening between me and my wife. I was elusive and suggested that the problems were known only by Lynn, and they would have to ask her.

I understand that later that night, Lynette was summoned before a council and had apparently confessed all her transgressions. She still had not admitted to me all that she had done but apparently she had said enough that night to those in the council, that she was excommunicated from our church. A punishment handed out only for the most egregious transgressions.

Excommunication in our church wasn't a form of vindictive authoritarian punishment, it was supposed to be part of a healing process that brought a person back to ground zero so to speak, and gave them a chance to start over from scratch, but in a close knit community like ours, where most of the neighbors belonged to the same church it also placed a bright spotlight on the guilty person, and anyone closely related to them that made all involved in any way feel self conscious of every whispered comment around them. It was hardest on Lynn, and I couldn't help being proud of the way she seemed to face up to her responsibility for what had happened even if she still hadn't admitted everything to me.

I was actually concerned about her spirit and attitude, and in spite of the pain I had felt, I wanted to help and support her in this process. The next time she came to the house, she was somber and subdued like she was on Saturday, but humble and repentant as well. After we had exchanged formal pleasantries, she looked at me and said. "Jerry, I'm sorry you had to listen to the terrible things I said and did in that hotel room, and I can't justify it in any way. I don't expect you to forget or even let me make it up to you, but I would do anything to make things right again, and show you how much I still love you, even if you cant believe me."

The flood of tears prevented her from saying more, and I was filled with compassion in spite of everything that had happened. After a long emotion filled pause I said, "Lynette, I think you should move back into the house...but it's not time for us to be together again, you can stay in the guest bedroom, or I will for that matter, then we'll see how things go on a day to day basis.

I knew that when anyone was excommunicated from our church, the first real challenge didn't usually for several few days. Some people actually felt instant resentment and turned cold to everyone around immediately, but mostly a person felt humbled and contrite and easily made promises to themselves and everyone else involved; several days later when depression or embarrassment took over, a period followed when either the person found the strength to rise above the errors and their former self and became strong, or they surrendered to doubt and self abuse and became even more immersed in the quagmire of behavior and self abuse that led them to that point in the first place. Time would tell over the next few weeks what course Lynn would take.
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Jerry had come to grips with his own needs, and with his willingness to make the hard decisions he knew he might have to make in order to go on with his life in a positive productive direction. He wasn't at all sure if he and Lynette would resolve the problems he felt she had brought into their lives, and at the same time, he had not firmly set his mind on going through with the divorce process he had already laid the ground work for. It all depended on Lynette initially.

What she had done, and essentially who she had become was no longer acceptable to Jerry for his lifelong companion. She would have to change, change so deeply and fundamentally that she could never jeopardize their mutual happiness again. How on earth could she do that, furthermore if she did change, how on earth could she ever rebuild the trust she broke with Jerry? That might be just too much to ask for either of them.

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After Jerry told me I should move back in I felt hope for the first time since I had to face the terrible truth about what I had done to both our lives.

When church leaders contacted me and told me to meet with them that Sunday evening, I was sure they already knew what I had done. Nothing could be any worse than what I had felt when I listened to my own voice and the sounds of sex on the recording Jerry had made of my lust crazed adultery with Brian Reynolds.